Just ranting

Ever feel like driving the car from the opposite side of the road?
Ever wonder what it is like to be at the edge of a cliff?
Ever feel like crossing the road when it is full of speeding vehicles?
Just asking.

There are times in life when we wonder "What am i doing here?"
Looks like i am in one of those times. Yes, it is strange for a young adult like me to ask myself that, but i do actually.
Is it worth fighting your way here when you do know all is in despair?
How would i know? i am still fighting to find my way out there.
Everytime i think of the consequences, i am still wondering why do i do it?

Day by day i found myself no more the cheerful person i was last year.
Few days ago, i had a few of my friends whom i knew last year asked me, "Why are you soft-spoken these days?", "What happened to you? You seem less crazier."
Am i suppose to act like everything is Okay when it is not? i have trouble putting on a poker face when things like that happens.

i realize that i never pour out any feelings i had. They say share your feelings but do we need to?
A close friend of mine told me to share it with her, but i still leave so many things out when i am telling her what is on my mind.
Everytime i spill out something, i keep thinking that i am a burden. i still think i am.
Most of the time, i envy some of my friends who have friend/s to talk, laugh together, be together and enjoy together.
Don't think i know any of my friends that well eventhough i had known them for all my life.
i guess i am afraid of getting close to them. i know i will always ended up hurting myself or them, or feel betrayed eventhough that is not the case.
i don't want anymore of this to happen... i just hope one day i can stand up and look myself in the mirror without any feeling of disgust.

Calv out. (Can i know who is my friend?)